She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
