I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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