I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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