I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My vagina just recognized that song.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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