why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
