I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
