If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
