apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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