I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
