thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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