You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
