Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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