Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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