i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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