I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
