She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
