How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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