Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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