i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pants are for mortals
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
