I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
