I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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