So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
