just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
