I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
