Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
