So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
