I haven't been this sober since birth.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
