Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
