garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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