if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
