can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
