He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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