i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
