Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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