Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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