i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
