So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
