I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
whose parrot is this?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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