omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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