Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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