i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
you never un-have a 4some
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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