I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
