I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I enjoy the company of your penis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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