i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
