saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
