i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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