Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
