Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
