I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
