Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
