Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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