just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
