Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
