Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
