i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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