my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
