Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
