Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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