You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
