you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
