A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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