you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
