I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
