you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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